Tweets of the Soul: Jan 16-31

January 2016 felt like a roller coaster ride for me. As I was exploring a new career, I felt like someone who’s fresh out of college and just absorbing the new world outside. I’ve experienced so many highs and lows during this month. I also felt like giving up on several occasions. Everyday felt like a crash course to adulthood. So I tried my best to capture my “growing up” moments and here are some of those tweets.

Jan 26 Tweet copy

Jan 16: Grab opportunities to be someone else, like an actor does. If only to liberate us temporarily from the confines of a boring self.
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Jan 17: I don’t know how single moms do it. Maybe it’s the survival instincts kicking in. I’m blessed my mom is a strong & kind woman.
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Jan 18: When u’re comfy w/ a new grp of people, u allow urself to be a lil vulnerable before them. Then u find out if u can trust them 2b u.
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Jan 19: Growing up requires some financial discipline & a character that facilitates sound mgmt of personal resources. I’m a late bloomer.
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Jan 21: Maybe growing up includes learning how to peacefully co-exist w/ people u dislike, trying to be fair & kind to them. Let’s try that.
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Jan 22: When things change fast & u can’t do anything abt it, adjust ur attitude & give the change a chance. Tame the rebel w/in & learn.
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Jan 23: There are moments that are best enjoyed alone. To be comfortable in solitude & in the company of self is a sign of wellness.
Jan 20 Tweet copy==========
Jan 24: The bottom line is we all need intimacy – a true & soulful connection w/ people. Friendships, romance, family. We feel empty w/o it.
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Jan 25: When we take the time to stop, observe & wonder abt the world around us, we’ll find things to care abt lyk stray cats & hungry kids.
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Jan 27: One of the imp things in life is to be self-aware. Knowing who we really are includes openness to feedback & critical introspection.
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Jan 28: The 1st important thing we do everyday is to show up. Show up even if u hv doubts, are fearful, feeling awkward or not in the mood.
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Jan 29: There is freedom in being true to urself. It’s OK to accommodate others’ needs before urs & it’s OK too to stop pleasing them.
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Jan 30: No act is small when u help meet basic needs of a community. If u want a meaningful life volunteer in nearby schools, brgy projs etc.
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Jan 31: U were not born into this world 2b rejected or hv everything or be d center. Define ur purpose, defy expectations, live peacefully.

It’s the Little Things

Three days into spending some time together, literally sleeping next to each other and having brief conversations, I have felt this growing doubt within me if this is worth pursuing.

One, he doesn’t ask much about me or my life. At this very early stage, I would expect a natural curiosity and eagerness to get to know someone you are starting to date. I’ve received little questions from him so far. I have to start the conversation so I could find out something about him. This can be attributed to his shyness, our 12 year age gap that can kinda be a little intimidating for some. Or the fact that we are in my apartment where power is supposed to be leaning on my side.

Two, he doesn’t show much affection even in private. Not one to initiate a hug or a quick kiss. Every time I embrace him from behind I feel like he is merely accommodating me. No hugs back or that squeeze to know that this is something he likes.

Three, he wants to fuck me. But hey, you gotta work your way to get to that point! We tried having sex but it’s all about him. His nipples being licked, his dick sucked and then a request to enter me. He doesn’t explore me physically and I feel like I am being used for his satisfaction. Of course, I didn’t allow him to go anywhere near my butt. Too bad, I was willing to change sexually, but this, I concluded, is not worth it.

Being the older one, I have much less remaining time on earth than he does and have more experience when it comes to romance and dating. So yes, I need to know at once if I am spending my time with a guy who really really really wants me. Why would I spend more time on someone who doesn’t? While I have reservations using capitalist terms like “investment’ in relationships, I am still inclined to use them for convenience. This seeming one-way, “serve me” interaction is not working for me. I am not emotionally engaged, forget mentally, just show me you care. I could sense that he feels flattered for having someone to be interested in him and unfortunately, it feels that it has become more of a way of feeding his ego than exploring a loving, two-way relationship with me. It matters how one responds to affection. If there is no exchange in the little things, then there is no future to talk about.

I know, I know, I know. It was a risk I had to take. I gave this a chance because maybe a love story can unfold. Something I can hang-on to for the rest of my life. But no, I guess it’s not time. I have to let him go.

I am writing this while he is sound asleep on my bed. When he leaves for work later, I’ll be free. I won’t ask him to come back. I feel bad enough about my life now, I don’t need this to think about. I need love – eager, trusting, open, hopeful, happy and reciprocal. This is not it. I know ‘coz life has trained me to look for these little things that make you want to go all in.