To the Man Who Will Never Be Mine

From the moment I first saw you, I somehow knew deep down inside that I’ll be in trouble.

I was at the hospital on that day for an orientation about the patients and the services offered by various groups. I noticed a lot of people waiting in line for their turn at the lab, all of them young men wearing masks and most of them are cute. It was a big day for me, I traveled around 4 hours from home just to get there. I was at that hospital to identify opportunities to serve this community and learn more about the job that I signed up for. TTMINH-Tweets1 copyI met the staff, talked to some of the patients, even those who were confined upstairs. I was there to listen, learn, take mental notes and observe. I was there to focus on work.

Then I was introduced to you by one of the volunteers. You were just about an inch or two shorter than I am. You have this clean handsome face with a mustache and stubble, nice set of teeth, a winning smile, light to fair skin and  that pointed nose that I like in a man. I was smitten. You were there for your regular check-up, you said. There were several things that were happening to me at the same time during those 15 minutes of conversation: I was asking you questions that I asked other people that day, trying my best to be the professional that I am. I was also memorizing your face, suppressing the “kilig” I was feeling and scolding myself for feeling this way. I have no objective answer to why “you,” a question you asked me at a later time. It was just you.

Next thing I knew we were friends on Facebook. I must admit that while I forgot who added who, it was highly possible that it was I who initiated things. I had a professional excuse to keep our conversations going. That’s when this became a problem. ‘Coz we kept on talking.

We talked about your story, your health, your work, your family and a bunch of other stuff. I talked about my work, my background, and the things you saw me post each day. It started out like that, just finding someone to talk to. The conversations flowed naturally until one of us needed to sleep or do something else. I found myself slowly becoming addicted to you. TTMINH-Tweets3 copyEveryday I was waiting, checking messages, hoping you’d be online. It started with all the basic getting to know you stuff. Then it became “what did you have for dinner?” and then it progressed to “I think you are sexy. You’ve got beautiful lips. I love your eyes.”

All of these are supposed to be okay if not for the fact that you are in a long term relationship. I’ve known it since I added you on Facebook. We talked about it briefly at first but then somehow I found ways to avoid bringing it up ‘coz it may spoil the fun we were having. At least that was my reason. After all we weren’t doing anything wrong, technically. We are just two friends enjoying online conversations.

Then we met again. It was a deliberate act on my end to travel 2.5 hours just to see you after your medical appointment. By this time, it was not a professional meet up, it was personal. We talked endlessly, so it seems, at a very public place. All the while I was looking into your eyes. I was smiling all the time. I was near you. I felt your knees brush against mine as well as the the hair on your arms when we compared skin color. I was with you for almost two hours. I would bet that anyone who saw us that time may have thought that we were on a date. Not that we touched like lovers ‘coz we didn’t. We seem to have an unspoken agreement about physical limitations that we need to respect. But maybe because we were focused on each other the whole time. Like no one else around us mattered. You looked at me, held my gaze many times over.

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We talked about many other things except for what was truly happening between us. It was probably looming over our heads but we chose not to acknowledge it. For if we do, it will become real. Too real. We will be forced to answer bigger questions we aren’t ready to answer. Meanwhile, I was there with you, partly fascinated and also partly falling.

While this was happening, there was another internal dialogue happening in my head. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?,” says my ego in exasperation, knowing that it would not get a serious answer from somebody awestruck. It was futile to demand introspection or to stop things from going in a certain direction. At some point, I think I mentally taped the mouth of my conscience and my overprotective ego.

TTMINH-Tweets2 copyAs I walked with you to the bus station, I was feeling wonderful things that I cannot speak about. When you were about to enter the bus, I kissed you goodbye. Not on the lips, but close enough to surprise you, you said a few months after. It was not my intention to kiss you there but it was my intention to kiss you in a way that would express all the words I cannot utter. I wanted you to feel me. It was a bold act on my end. A gamble. It was crossing a very thin line. It was now or never. It could be hello and goodbye too if you got offended.

I went home happy. I was also worried about misinterpreting things between us. Are you drawn to me in the same way that I was drawn to you? Was I imagining things? What if it was just one way affection all along? What if it’s not? I was scared that I was becoming the person I wasn’t supposed to be. Am I taking things too far? But above all the reservations in my head I only knew one thing for sure, I was happy. You made me very happy again. It was enough for my stubborn heart.

(Part 1)

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It’s the Little Things

Three days into spending some time together, literally sleeping next to each other and having brief conversations, I have felt this growing doubt within me if this is worth pursuing.

One, he doesn’t ask much about me or my life. At this very early stage, I would expect a natural curiosity and eagerness to get to know someone you are starting to date. I’ve received little questions from him so far. I have to start the conversation so I could find out something about him. This can be attributed to his shyness, our 12 year age gap that can kinda be a little intimidating for some. Or the fact that we are in my apartment where power is supposed to be leaning on my side.

Two, he doesn’t show much affection even in private. Not one to initiate a hug or a quick kiss. Every time I embrace him from behind I feel like he is merely accommodating me. No hugs back or that squeeze to know that this is something he likes.

Three, he wants to fuck me. But hey, you gotta work your way to get to that point! We tried having sex but it’s all about him. His nipples being licked, his dick sucked and then a request to enter me. He doesn’t explore me physically and I feel like I am being used for his satisfaction. Of course, I didn’t allow him to go anywhere near my butt. Too bad, I was willing to change sexually, but this, I concluded, is not worth it.

Being the older one, I have much less remaining time on earth than he does and have more experience when it comes to romance and dating. So yes, I need to know at once if I am spending my time with a guy who really really really wants me. Why would I spend more time on someone who doesn’t? While I have reservations using capitalist terms like “investment’ in relationships, I am still inclined to use them for convenience. This seeming one-way, “serve me” interaction is not working for me. I am not emotionally engaged, forget mentally, just show me you care. I could sense that he feels flattered for having someone to be interested in him and unfortunately, it feels that it has become more of a way of feeding his ego than exploring a loving, two-way relationship with me. It matters how one responds to affection. If there is no exchange in the little things, then there is no future to talk about.

I know, I know, I know. It was a risk I had to take. I gave this a chance because maybe a love story can unfold. Something I can hang-on to for the rest of my life. But no, I guess it’s not time. I have to let him go.

I am writing this while he is sound asleep on my bed. When he leaves for work later, I’ll be free. I won’t ask him to come back. I feel bad enough about my life now, I don’t need this to think about. I need love – eager, trusting, open, hopeful, happy and reciprocal. This is not it. I know ‘coz life has trained me to look for these little things that make you want to go all in.