It’s the Little Things

Three days into spending some time together, literally sleeping next to each other and having brief conversations, I have felt this growing doubt within me if this is worth pursuing.

One, he doesn’t ask much about me or my life. At this very early stage, I would expect a natural curiosity and eagerness to get to know someone you are starting to date. I’ve received little questions from him so far. I have to start the conversation so I could find out something about him. This can be attributed to his shyness, our 12 year age gap that can kinda be a little intimidating for some. Or the fact that we are in my apartment where power is supposed to be leaning on my side.

Two, he doesn’t show much affection even in private. Not one to initiate a hug or a quick kiss. Every time I embrace him from behind I feel like he is merely accommodating me. No hugs back or that squeeze to know that this is something he likes.

Three, he wants to fuck me. But hey, you gotta work your way to get to that point! We tried having sex but it’s all about him. His nipples being licked, his dick sucked and then a request to enter me. He doesn’t explore me physically and I feel like I am being used for his satisfaction. Of course, I didn’t allow him to go anywhere near my butt. Too bad, I was willing to change sexually, but this, I concluded, is not worth it.

Being the older one, I have much less remaining time on earth than he does and have more experience when it comes to romance and dating. So yes, I need to know at once if I am spending my time with a guy who really really really wants me. Why would I spend more time on someone who doesn’t? While I have reservations using capitalist terms like “investment’ in relationships, I am still inclined to use them for convenience. This seeming one-way, “serve me” interaction is not working for me. I am not emotionally engaged, forget mentally, just show me you care. I could sense that he feels flattered for having someone to be interested in him and unfortunately, it feels that it has become more of a way of feeding his ego than exploring a loving, two-way relationship with me. It matters how one responds to affection. If there is no exchange in the little things, then there is no future to talk about.

I know, I know, I know. It was a risk I had to take. I gave this a chance because maybe a love story can unfold. Something I can hang-on to for the rest of my life. But no, I guess it’s not time. I have to let him go.

I am writing this while he is sound asleep on my bed. When he leaves for work later, I’ll be free. I won’t ask him to come back. I feel bad enough about my life now, I don’t need this to think about. I need love – eager, trusting, open, hopeful, happy and reciprocal. This is not it. I know ‘coz life has trained me to look for these little things that make you want to go all in.